


Jack Sings

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-04
Updated: 2012-02-04
Packaged: 2017-10-30 14:14:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/332627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Barrowman can sing. Jack Harkness can't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jack Sings

**Author's Note:**

> I am gradually posting my stories here so they are all in one place. In this one Jack has an unusual allergy.

When Owen, Tosh and Gwen arrived at the Hub one Monday they found that Ianto was already there and of course so was Jack, since he lived in the Hub. Jack was not in sight but they could hear him whistling and Ianto was looking, well, disheveled. Ianto normally looked so neat and tidy that it was quite a shock to see him without his jacket or a tie and barefooted. He was also on his hands and knees on the floor, which was definitely odd too.

"What have you been getting up to then?" Owen asked, as Ianto pulled his tie out from under a desk.

"Nothing, mind your own" Ianto responded, putting on the tie as fast as he could.

At this point conversation ceased for a moment because Jack began to sing VERY loudly. Jack was under the impression he could sing. This was unfortunate for everyone because he couldn't. Owen put his hands over his ears and Gwen, who had never heard Jack sing before, gasped "What the hell is that noise?"

"It's Jack" said Tosh, rubbing her head in pain.

"Is he alright?" asked Gwen "shouldn't we be doing something?"

"He's singing" explained Owen.

"Singing!" Gwen groaned "oh, hell, how on earth are we going to put up with that?"

"He might stop in a moment" said Tosh, hopefully.

"Pigs might fly" said Owen. He glared at Ianto, who was now under the desk flat on his stomach and added "this is all your fault, you've got him in a good mood".

"How d'we stop him making that row?" Gwen asked "it's giving me a headache and an earache".

"Food usually helps" said Owen "go and get some pizza, Ianto".

"Get it yourself" snapped Ianto, as he squirmed out from under the desk holding a sock in one hand.

The terrible noise suddenly got nearer and nearer and Jack appeared looking very cheerful and just as disheveled as Ianto. His hair was sticking up all over his head in tufts, his shirt was buttoned up wrongly, and he was also barefooted.

"Would you like a pizza, Jack?" Gwen shouted at him over the noise.

Jack nodded and kept singing something about dreaming a dream. He couldn't remember most of the words of whatever he was trying to sing and started making them up as he went along. Ianto fished under another desk and after a moment produced a second sock. It didn't match the first he had found. Jack sat down and put his bare feet up on the edge of Tosh's work area. His left foot had a post it note stuck on the bottom. Tosh pulled it off and read it aloud. It said suck here. Tosh could think of a lot of things that she'd rather do than suck the sole of Jack's foot. Jack took the note from her hand. He stopped singing for a moment and said "I wondered where that had gone" and then started singing again.

Gwen went out to get pizza. Tosh and Owen went with her. Just in case the pizzas were heavy, or something. Ianto found another sock. Mysteriously, this didn't match any of the ones he'd found so far. Jack studied his feet and decided he ought to trim his toe nails. He got up, and still singing, started looking for the clippers. He couldn't find them and gave up. Ianto found a fourth sock. This one matched the first sock and had a hole in the toe.

"That's mine" said Jack, looking at the holey sock. Ianto sighed with relief. Jack had stopped singing. Oh, heavenly bliss.

"It's got a hole in it" he said, holding the sock carefully by the heel, "it's not very clean either".

"I blew my nose on it" said Jack "that beer we had last night. You remember. I laughed and it went up my nose".

"So you blew it on a sock?" said Ianto.

"I hadn't got a Kleenex" Jack explained, and started to sing again, I hadn't got a Kleenex so I used my sock, to some unidentifiable tune.

"We had too much to drink last night" said Ianto "I can't even remember most of what we did".

"I remember you sticking a note on my cock which said suck here" said Jack "and then you did too".

"I'm never going to drink again" said Ianto, finally locating another sock under a pile of paper work "my head is killing me".

"I feel fine" said Jack, and began to sing I feel fine, I feel pretty, I feel gay, which was certainly true.

"You're still drunk" Ianto sighed "you're behaving totally out of character".

"I love you too" said Jack and then began to sing it.

Ianto decided that Jack's weird behavior had to be caused by more than just alcohol. He was even more convinced of this when Jack suddenly stood up and removed his pants and underpants, and then stood unselfconsciously scratching his butt singing all the time. Ianto was glad when the others returned and proceeded to tell them that he thought Jack was under some kind of alien influence. They all stared at Jack and he stared back and then winked at them and removed his shirt and undershirt.

"He's naked now" said Tosh, stating the obvious.

"He looks O.K. naked" said Gwen and then blushed.

"Everyone look around for something that shouldn't be here, that is" said Owen. He groaned. "I can't even talk sense with that noise going on" he continued "Can't we lock him in a cell?"

"He'd get cold" said Tosh.

"Serve him right" snapped Owen.

Jack continued to sing while the others looked for something alien that hadn't been in the Hub the day before. They couldn't find anything except an empty blister pack which had once contained paracetamol, which was not very alien.

"Have you taken any of these, Jack?" Owen asked, waving the empty pack at Jack.

"I had a hangover" sang Jack loudly.

"How many did you take? yelled Owen over the sound of Jack singing I enjoy being a girl.

"Four" Jack sang in reply "there were only four left".

"I've never sung when I've taken paracetamol" said Gwen.

"You aren't Jack" Owen sighed "we'll just have to put up with him until they wear off. I daren't give him anything else".

Tosh, Gwen and Ianto all groaned in unison. Jack started to sing something about looking for a hero and stood up and began to dance to his own singing. As he gyrated around the Hub his companions watched him in horror. Jack wasn't a small man in any way and seeing various bits of his anatomy swinging about while he danced was somewhat disturbing. They all watched as he went past them over and over again. They noticed as he passed them that his butt was extremely red. They carefully pretended that they hadn't seen it. Finally, much to everyone's relief, he came to a stop. Unfortunately he came to a stop on Ianto's lap. Ianto blushed and tried to push him off.

"Let's go and fuck" Jack sang happily to Ianto, wriggling on Ianto's knees in a very suggestive manner. This was awful enough but as he spoke he started to get hard. They all watched his cock swell and stiffen, looking at it as if they'd never seen one before.

Ianto made a great effort, pushed Jack off his lap and stood up. This gave Jack such a surprise that he stopped singing. For a moment the Hub was totally silent. "Why did you do that?" Jack wailed in anguish as he got to his feet "you didn't throw me off last night".

Ianto groaned and said "I'm going out, I may be some time" and made a speedy getaway, leaving his companions with a horny, naked Jack.

Jack turned his attention to Tosh. He beamed at her, grabbed his cock and gave it several suggestive tugs, which looked to Owen rather painful, and started to sing something about loving Japan, which was rubbish because he'd never even been there.

"I think I'll risk it and give him a sedative" shouted Owen above the noise of Jack singing I love Japan over and over again. A minute later, he jabbed Jack in the arm and Jack sighed and crumbled onto the floor in an untidy naked heap. Jack was heavy and it took all three of them to convey him down to his bed. They dropped him on it and Gwen covered him with a blanket. It was very quiet after that for quite a while. When Ianto came back they ate all the pizza. They didn't leave any for Jack. Owen said it was a very strong sedative and he wouldn't feel like eating when he woke up.

They all knew as soon as Jack awoke because the sound of swearing and things being broken reached their ears. Ianto very bravely went to see what was going on. Owen, Gwen and Tosh had to encourage him just a little, but not much. Ianto found Jack in the remains of his quarters. When Jack spotted Ianto he threw a mug at him which he deftly ducked. Jack fell onto his bed with a loud groan.

"What the fuck have you done to me?" Jack shouted at Ianto angrily, "look at this place!"

"You have an allergy to paracetamol" said Ianto "you were singing and....well doing other things...Owen had to sedate you".

Jack sat up and peered at his bedlinen. "There's a stain on my bed" he complained.

"You got a bit excited" said Ianto, he went and looked at the stain "it's probably come" he added.

"What did we do last night?" Jack moaned "my butt is killing me."

"I think I spanked you" said Ianto, sitting on the bed beside Jack, carefully avoiding the stain.

"Why?"

"You asked me to"

Jack sighed deeply. "I can't remember anything after you put that door handle up me".

"That was so not a good idea, especially since it was a blue door handle".

"Blue is my color. I look good in blue".

"Not if it's a door handle".

They sat side by side thinking about the previous night. Jack suddenly remembered fucking Ianto over a desk someplace. It was Owen's he recalled. He'd used a condom too, what the hell had happened to it? They hadn't got any more so they'd gone bare back after that. "Where did the condom go?" he asked Ianto.

"I don't remember. You wore it, what did you do with it when you took it off?"

Jack thought hard. Then he suddenly remembered. He began to laugh. Finally he choked out "I put it in one of Owen's desk drawers. Inside one of his leather gloves. You know the ones he wears for driving. I have to send him someplace so he'll put them on".

Ianto laughed. "You're wicked", he said.

"I know" Jack agreed.

Much later, when there was some trouble in Caerleon, Jack sent Owen and Tosh out, knowing Owen would drive and wear the gloves. He was right too. He did. 

The End


End file.
